Haven Of Incompetence!!!

Haven; a harbor; a place of safety or rest.

The management of the restaurant/ coffee shop in Ntinda definitely didn't look up the dictionary definition of this word. It sounded nice and was probably chosen more for its tongue-flowing ease and less for its literal meaning.
Case in point- 9th January 2011. After having read a positive review of the place by Ernest Bazanye, and having never been to it despite living in the neighborhood I decided to give it a try. The fact that I am an experimental eater who loves to try sample new restaurants could be the reason this particular....test was well, testy. Back to the ranting. Armed with my BFF and a major Sunday afternoon appetite, I head out to this place. Out of the taxi, across the road and to one of the balcony seats. Jesca- the waitress who attended to us[and yes, her name tag spelled the name that way] gets us our drinks and leaves us to ponder the menu. It is important to note at this point that Els-the fore mentioned BFF and me LOVE meat. We take time reading a menu at any place not because we are trying to decipher complex meal names such as "Pomme Pont-Neuf," which by the way is French for french fries. We take time breaking down menu contents because we are searching for the meal that is either made up of the most meaty substances or is accompanied by the most succulent meaty substances.

Being a new year, and diet resolutions still having a bit of zeal, I order for fish& chips. BFF orders for " Crumbed pork something," the assumption being that " crumbed" meant bread crumbs...as in, chicken coated with bread crumbs. Apparently not. The chef at "Haven" has his own personal meaning of the word;" Wheat flour and  Royco Mchuzi Mix blended together and made into a paste that has the magic ability to stick to your throat and cause not-so-nice sensations." Do they mention that there is nothing crumby about the pig? No. It is a Sunday, so in a Christian manner, BFF turns her nose up at the sight of the orangey-colored food, scrapes off as much as she can of the...crumby sauce...and proceeds to eat. Impossible. I do not like to see my friend suffer,so I offer to switch plates. Okay, she was forking the fish off my plate and she is my Bestie...

I tried to eat the...thing they called"Crumbed pork."  I swear I did, from all angles, all corners, from all meshes and joinings of bones, I tried. Here's why that didn't work. It was ALL bone. All of it, about eight pieces of bone, covered in greasy, tasteless, throat-crumbing concoction. I failed. And I got irked so when Jesca came over to clear the table, I asked her to find out from the chef what had just happened...?When she returns from the kitchen;

Haven Flunked.

Her: He said he is sorry, he is supposed to use fillet but we didn't have any...
Me; So he sends us bones. Am I expected to pay for the entire meal?
Her; That's what I also asked him...."
Me; Please ask him to come over.
She returns a few minutes later
Her; He says he is alone in the kitchen so he can't come out.(Attempts to clear away the plate of bones)
Me; Leave that plate. Go call whoever is in charge. I shall wait.( a few minutes later, guy shows up)
I forward my complaint&he goes....
Him; The one with no bones is pork chops(Seriously. Idiocy can apparently cause boundless courage in the sufferer)
Me; Your chef just apologized because he was out of fillet. Clearly...his fault.
Him; But the problem is you already ate this...
Me; Ate what, exactly? Don't you see the bones? I attempted to eat..because I was hoping to find fillet on some of the pieces. The point of a menu is to offer variety. When something is out, the customer is presented with other options. And, FYI, this is NOT funny( the goof had the guts to grin.Where do these people get their training/ education??)
Him; But madam. I don't have to be rude about....
Me; No, you don,t but you don't have to smile either, I am seriously pissed off. You're charging me for a really crappy meal, and your solution is smiling. I came over for food, not heart warming. And you're so dead 'coz I write and am going to publicize this.
At which point goof's goofy smile disappears and he stutters on about...compensating with a muffin.
He said it was chocolate. BFF says it was ...."a flour muffin."
I believe BFF.
Seriously people, read as; all-restaurant owners, if you are going to offer a service whose purpose is to avail food, make the food decent. At the very least. Or come up with names that reflect the exact pathetic nature of your services. Or have bad food with amazing management. Or the opposite. Not bad food with worse management. Jesca was okay.
The rest of "Haven" could do with an intercession. Or re-branding.i.e, Training in customer care for said goof and a better understanding of the English language.
I vote an improved menu. Such as actually using the ingredients mentioned in the menu. Kitchen creativity is appreciated, but when it causes one to choke, not lick their fingers, one is not very appreciative.
On second thought, close the place entirely.
It is not very safe.