All Things Dark and Tasteless

Oh you whining, ungrateful lot. When do you ever appreciate anything? Hmmm? WHEN?? You complain like a woman married to a broke man who seems to pair the term “sauce” with all things leafy and legumes. Does he not understand that cows, chickens and pigs were made to be eaten? Mbu biringanya.  Msssccchhhew. Who tells him you want clear, zit-free skin? There’s also a reason samona was made. Mekako also.

Moving on. You Ugandans have taken this freedom thing too far. Because they allow you to complain about sensible things like unchanging election results, you now think you can sneak in other grievances. Where are your manners? Oh, wait. You must be the lot that went through school minus caning. Sigh. More work for me. But I will try. To teach you. Educate and enlighten. On the saintly virtue that is compromise. When food prices compete with house construction materials, you compromise. And you buy the meat. You can find a free house in Kololo. I swear. One is just about to be vacated.

Sugar is bad-Yes Dr. Phil was right. If you watch TV, you know that Dr. Phil has nothing to do with physical issues. I just needed a popular name. Now, because sugar prices have shot up 5 times the amount in as many months is no reason to pout.  Children, sugar gets you fat. Eventually. Our economy is helping us out. If you cut out sugar for the rest of the year, you can lose 5kgs which will provide more room for gluttony come Christmas. See?

All things foreign- Why o why, do you even rant about this? This is history repeating itself. No, we have not sent Asians packing again. Yet. First we’re sorting out the Somalis. Foreign things are the reason you spoilt kids are suffering at the unseen kick of the economy. We’re throwing them out. Mbu blueband. Just dip your bread in the tea. I know the tea has no sugar. But no blueband+ no sugar= 10kgs weight loss. Smile for auntie?

Veggies are good-Auntie knows you don’t understand how katunkuma has moved from mama’s weed pile to your plate. It’s like this; katunkuma burns cholesterol. And meat has plenty of that. Unnecessary fat. You do want to fit in those barely there dresses, don’t you? And the men? Please. It is time. Bellies are 1999-rated. We prefer tone and muscle. Quit pigging out. Pun intended.

Giving glory-God made the moon for a reason and you foreign-things-loving people have denied them their power for decades. Now, we must repent. And our beloved government is helping out. No power for…well, a long while. Bright side is you get to relive your granny’s childhood and play with battery-run radios. Now, who ever thought they’d have common history with jajja?

You see? Oba you squint? Whichever. The current situation has a dark, tasteless and unsatisfying appeal. But this is the stuff history is made of.

I knew I’d have you all smiling by the end of this post…err, typing session. Good boys and girls.

Mscchhhheeewww.

Yes. That is a jeer. We are ranting and words just won’t do. Ok. Scratch that. I am ranting. But no, scratch that again. Erique spent Friday afternoon roaming the streets of Kololo. I allow that the frown is characteristic. But the fist aimed at the sky is not. Even the askaris on the affluent streets let him be. He looked that dejected. So yes, we are ranting.

For our country.

For the pearl that has become the proverbial gold ring-in-swine’s –nose.  These are hard times, people. If you thought living in a cell phone-less era was hard work, try living in the era where you cannot afford airtime for the damn phone. And no, I cannot do without it. What am I supposed to do? Mail my comment to Face Book?

Maureen Likes This!!

So in lieu of the harsh winds that are blowing across our country, I am venting my frustrations on those I believe are to blame. No, I cannot point to myself. I am well-bred Ugandan who will always find cause for my unhappiness in other peoples’ decisions. I take after my leaders please. IE “Where were you when I and others were fighting in the bush for the "peace and tranquillity" that now prevails?” Putting to question-

·       The parents- Charity begins at home. So does quarrelling. Where were you when other parents were setting up home in serious countries, huh? Dubai, Switzerland…and you chose Uganda. Even Tanzania would have made more sense. They have real beaches (we have shores!!)

The real deal.
Okay. You loved the weather. Couldn't you have found your way to cabinet? Then I’d at least attend book launches while other people’s parents pay taxes for our 4wheel drives. Uganda. Eish.

·       GOD- I get that you have a sense of humour. You created Miley out of a rock star dad. Lolest. But this joke has been unfunny for a while now. Do you not get that its time for Jesus to come back? And save our cowardly selves? We have beds so no manger business. And UPE.

·       Gavumenti- I cannot even spell you properly. You’ve lost the plot so bad, you earned yourselves a new word. It translates to”way, way beneath the lowest level of incompetence” I mean...when the youth of the country turn to singing as occupation and WBS airs their videos minus any shame, then you know. It is time to find your shame. Tuswaale ko.

·       U$D- How a foreign currency can wreck this much havoc is beyond my frustrated mind. The country didn’t even colonise us. We are not related in any way. 

Sketch your baddez
They sent back the first man that tried his hand at figuring this out. I believe Seya’s forgeries were patriotic efforts gone wrong. We need to find the visible connection with our Shs. And then break it. We refuse to affiliate with anything that further takes down our country’s value. We’re not left with much.

Dear His Excellency, Please Chase Away Silver City

First of all, they are outside countries’ people. And you said something akin to outside countries’ people and things being responsible for the increased disappearance of money from our wallets. That is reason one. They are foreign. You need to motivate us to follow your example in using only locally made things. Like the soon-

to-be-defunct-Ugandan-made-sugar. Tikwe?

Uganda-where other things are responsible for our dire economy.

When they had just opened shop in Uganda, which was around 2007, all was well. Like how in 1990, the country had better roads than it does now. The food was excellent. The waitresses and waiters were masters at treating the customers like royalty. Things were going bulungi. We loved them because they made us feel like we were experiencing a bit of movie-sm in our dusty city. Men unlucky enough to be running after a campus girl at the time must have cursed the place. You asked the girl where she would like to have dinner, convinced she was still excited about Nandos’ free pizza Tuesday. She said Silver City. You panicked. But then, you asked. The sharp ones carried chips and liver to her room. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

The car is HOT. The man is NOT.

Silver City however started to kumanyiira us. Because we are hospitable people. Because we have maalo for new joints and restaurants and will frequent them just to walk away when another joint opened its doors. Ask Cheese bar. But we were nice to Silver City. We kept going back because this time, we were ready to commit. It helped that they had the juiciest pork ribs this side of the Sahara. And we really haven’t tasted the ones on the other side of the Sahara. But wah…they did not treasure us. Us, the girls who had to put up with I know-I’m-boring-but-I-have-a-car-and-money-men just so we could escape another night of Wandegeya food. And the poor men who spent money and fuel (in those days, it was cheap) to dine a ka girl who just side-hugged you and skipped off to her room. Kampala girls. Msssccchhheeewww.

But the excellent food made up for the lack of common interest dates. Then they decided that because they have been here for one term, they could become so Ug and start being bulala. At least they should follow your example, Mr. President, and last three terms before going haywire. How do you serve a chicken breast between a stale Hotloaf bun and majestically term that a chicken burger? In these hard times where people give up lunch so they have taxi fare home, how do you charge UGX20,000 for a meal that consists of 12 fries(yes, I counted) and said horrible burger? What sort of idiot clears your plate away; intact with most of 

the meal and then asks if you enjoyed your meal?

My meal looked NOTHING like this.

The Silver City sort of idiot. Three times of bad service and horrible food isn't a bad day. It’s a pattern. They go back; we use the space to grow sugar.

Spur Ranches-The Uganda Version? SUCKS.

TUKOOYE!!!...Continued.

URGGGHHH....

And ends like this.....

Paedophiles.
The statistics are painful. The law is failing the very people it's meant to protect. The attention is turned to suspiciously-dead gay activists. And I have no issues with people's sexual preferences. When they are consenting adults. Not young boys& girls that have their worlds darkened forever by these beasts.

I am all for mental illnesses. I myself are a narcissist. I understand vanity, and greed, and selfishness, and pride..anger is one of my bosom flaws. But to go& damage the physical, mental& spiritual privacy of a child that you should otherwise be protecting is beyond me.

Let us stop this pain..

And I get a lot of sins. Not this one.
That the law does nothing major to cause this evil to stop is incomprehensible. When they dare to look up from their wigs of hypocrisy& corruption, they sentence the pests to 16 years imprisonment. Really. Really????We need Miria Matembe back to active politics. Then we need to have a referendum on how to deal with these creatures. She always favored castration. I second that.
Followed by death. Preferably by slicing off individual body parts. Head goes last.
But the guillotine will do.
Humans have the amazing ability to worsen a problem that is already overflowing with pain. Here's how;

Tacky Tabloids.
I consider myself to be highly cultured. But a juicy piece of gossip will get me. Yes, am not above lugambo. But that doesn't diminish my magnificence. I am the ISH.
But banange, these silly, thick headed and dim witted people who bring buckets of shame upon the writers community need to be quarantined. They are hazardous. Aside kuswazaring us, they pollute the minds of our population. And judging by Episode one of "Who wants to be a millionaire?"-the Ugandan version, the general population is already doing bubbi in matters of the brain. IE, they are not very clever. Popeye lived at Neverland?? MJ must have done a moon-walk in his grave. But forwards. In protest.
Now a tabloid should have nonsensical gossip, we all get that. But if you dare to branch into serious news coverage within the same print, please, please, be serious about it.
Or, hire s.6 literature students to write the stories. Or primary students. If they still have the"News, news" part of class. But do have titles that read,"Horny Jajja, 70, Enters Girl 4."
For the love of God, please be a tad literate. Or humane. But the literate part you clearly missed. Let's try humane.I shall refer to a popular novelist here. Maybe you've heard of him?
John Grisham; "A Time To Kill."
A black man shoots& kills the white men that defile his daughter& leave her for dead. Black man is taken to court. He wins the case. No, it is not obvious that he won. This was in early Mississippi; blacks were not liked very much. Some of the jury had wanted to convict him for murder.
Then this white female juror tells them to close their eyes, and imagine that it was their precious, white,pony-tailed daughters. Being raped by two black men. And they know these men.
What would they do? To the black men?
They voted unanimously, to acquit the man of all charges.
So really, next time that small demon of ill humor, inhumanity& rotten writing makes an appearance on your left shoulder, bind him away.
And go for Bebe Cool. He is good game, he can handle.
After all, he is munene.

OKUKOOWA.
This should read," Tukooye okukoowa." For the cool-generation-mates of mine, this translates to"We are sick and tired of being sick& tired." High5s all around.
Seeing the line this piece has followed, we are clearly all worn out. We are a nation suffering from sun burn, constant thirst& unending perspiration. We are sore from endless bumping, thanks to the pot-holed things they call roads. Then those dwanzis of engineers play with the power sockets. They prefer leaving them turned off. We are an over-heated, dry throated people that is being subjected to endless hours of idleness when the lights go out. Frustrations tend to build at such hours, ideas get a hold& start to grow. Evil ideas nourished by the dark.The part of me that loves mystery would like to think that there is a conspiracy against us the lower peoples.
But we know they're not that bright. So, they are blindly breeding one major monster.
And we shall try to not take the revolutionary lead of our Egyptian comrades. But that might not last long.
We are tired. Patience& all other virtues are out with the heat.

So, from one of the afflicted to whom ever it may concern, 

TUKOOYE!!!

TUKOOYE!!!

It starts like so's....

First off, I'd like to explain the title to this post. For the readers that are not at par with the Luganda lingual. It is not my mother tongue but it has such a knack for ...saying things as they really are. The title word for instance, translates to,"WE ARE TIRED!!!".Now that we are all on board, I'll proceed to rant. Yes, today I shall go off like a back-alley raised child. But I don't really care. Scratch that. I do not care at all. My city;Kampala, has been going down the drain for the longest time& its time I joined the fist-pounders.
Maybe the noise will build up& finally make a sound long enough to attract the right sort of attention.
So without further ado,presenting the reasons why I am pulling my hair out of its roots.A strand at a time.

Feel my pain...??


IT IS HOT IN HERE!!

I am a glass-half-full sort of person. Very optimistic. I believe that one very near day, I shall be able to afford all the shoes in the world. Plus some shares in the Coca-Cola company.
But this heat has dried all the water outta my bubble. Which explains why am looking at the sunny side of things with very unfriendly eyes. The heat has taken the fun out of everything.
Case in point; Happy Hour at Iguana is no more. Heat& cocktails only go well on TV scenes from Miami beaches. Not the same with high body temperature emissions from Kampala's working class. That is toxic.
This heat has worsened my coke addiction, am up to 4bottles from one per day...
And that is not good news for my hips. They bond well with sugar and well...this friendship tends to widen until my jeans cannot contain it.
Buying new denims is always lovely. But when it's 'coz the old ones cannot contain the new curves, well...I get icky& the all the sweating from this heat doesn't help at all. We have started to suffer ailments that we have up to now only read of in Cosmo& Glamor& O!.

Sun burn. Seriously. Afflicting indigenous Kampalans. We as a nation need to join our sweaty palms in prayer for rain.

Kyaba TOO MUCH.

These excuses of roads.
I dare to put my life on the line&say with all the confidence I can muster, that this is the one issue on which all Ugandans agree. The roads are terrible. Horrendous. Shaming. Fill in your choice of word. I believe our city has its higher points but today, I am complaining. For those that might not be in sync with what am saying, let me paint you a picture.

Our roads are pot-holed, they have ridges-yes, like the ones in mountainous areas, they are narrow& with every Ugandan making it a point to purchase a car, several of the roads are now etching their way into the pavements. So-called maintenance works end up with the roads sewn over. With patches at different points that give the poor, poor roads a semblance to the elbow points on Inspector Derrick's jackets. The holes are so deep, rough-edged& when the sun is not taking her bright naturedness a tad too far, they are water-filled. People claim to have seen fish swim in these holes.
The situation is so bad, a radio station once held a competition that promised monetary rewards to anyone who could find an entire road that was void of a pot-hole. No one took that money. And it wasn't for lack of trying. The city doesn't have even one entirely smooth road.
We have a national crisis on our hands. Me& several other Ugandans wonder as to what roads these so-called representatives of the people use. Maybe it helps that their cars are way above the ground, and that the repair costs are covered by our taxes.
But we do not pay taxes because we want to see you cruise by at rush hour, turn on your sirens& literally bully us off the roads. We also be wanting to go home. Especially since most of us actually work.
Here's a thought; widen the roads, actually use the allocated funds to repair the roads. Yes, ALL of the funds. It's not that hard.Then you'll have something to boast of for the next 20years.
You'll get your new rovers next year.
Seriously, we are fed-up.


UMEME
Dear which-ever-incompetent person that runs this even-more-incompetent-sorry-excuse-of-an-organization, quit this little game of hide&seek that you have going on with our wiring systems& light bulbs.These things of turning the darkness on at inappropriate hours are not as cool as you have gotten yourselves to believe.
You do not load shed us on Sundays-any time on Sunday is inappropriate. Most of us stay home all day, doing things such as family lunch, bonding with family members we hardly see during the week. And when that is done, we like to watch TV for the rest of the day. We actually need power for that.
You do not sentence us to darkness at awkward week-day hours. Say, 8pm on a Wednesday night. Maybe you don't keep with the times, but kids need to do their home work. They use computers these days. And those need power to ran. Candles don't quite do the trick.

Like wise,you cannot switch us off at 5am. Normal folk like myself have to press/ iron our clothes. Yes, we understand that you guys have official office garb that only makes contact with power when you're switching us off.
But the bankers, lawyers and other well...other working elite do not have to climb poles to work or pretend to work. So,we cannot throw on over rolls, creased, folded& greased and head to work.

On.,Off..Off...

 Our clients prefer the neat, polished look. And we aim for customer satisfaction. Unlike some people.
Like most service providers in the country, you have mastered the art of shamelessness.

The down side is that only you peeps do the power supply thing. The downer side being, you are prompt at bill presentation. You are pushing your luck here. Seeing as you actually ran out of luck where most of us are concerned, you are pushing your misfortune.
You are nursing a revolution.I kid you not, we shall find a way to replace you.

Mujja 'genda.

The rant goes on....