borrowing a title; for women who are "difficult" to love.

I have not written, well typed in the longest time. I have written though. On paper. I have gone back to writing the way I used to know it. Maybe its because of this job that requires I jot down just about everything. There are post-it notes around me. Two work notebooks. Two fill-my-bags-all-the-time personal ones. Filled with to-do lists, bucket lists, blogs to read, books to buy...and then the real words. Phrases that drift by during hour-long briefings. Sentences that come through while I try to re-word pages-long work files. Paragraphs that I sneak in during the first 20 minutes of the lunch break.
There are scattered and incoherent lines all over my notebooks.

I am writing the way I used to write in high school and at university. I wrote on the covers, mid-pages of my class work books.On my palms. That used to infuriate my mother.
Now I buy my own clothes, so I take more care.

Words are the only constant in my life. Even when I behave in a way that makes Blair Wolforf seem pretty tame, they never leave. They are not like my sleep patterns which are highly unpredictable. Nowhere to be found all night, all over my face at 10am.

Also, I have the world's bestest bestie.

She sent me a link to some of the most beautiful writings I have come across. Not the heady-in-your-face kind, no. The...flutter-by, settle-upon and touch-the-most-core-parts-of-you sort.
So I read a poem. I read it and just sat there...staring. Re-reading. Wondering. How someone else could capture so clearly, so simply and yet so honestly, your entire mesh of fears, insecurities, worries and lonely thoughts. How another woman on another continent probably sat down to write about herself and ended up writing about me and several other women. How another woman put pen to paper and brought to life all the aches, all the self-doubting questions, all the years of masking, of trying to be..."normal"...just so someone (usually, some man), could love you. Could accept you.
Could stop to try changing the chaotic mind and not-willing-to-be changed spirit that is you.

There are women who are born..."normal". They're pretty.
And soft.
They play keep-house. They like dolls(urrrghhh). They don't question. They are quiet. They dance without barely moving a limb.

Then, there are the women who always grabbed at the pens in their father's shirt-pockets. They played scrabble. They could not understand dolls. They understood books. A LOT. They found peace in their solitude because it was easier. Easier to lock yourself in your cousin's room at her birthday party and read a good book, because the other girls are playing house and dear Lord, that ish was just so common, so dull, so exhausting, so un-original. Francine Pascal was your best friend. And Elizabeth Wakefield was the character you felt closest to.

And when you started to dance....

Some women are born to have it easy.
God gives them the traits that make it easy to love them.
Lucky, lucky women.

Some women burst onto the planet with so much energy, searing passion and the inability to master the art of slowing down.
Fast walking. Fast reading. Fast writing of class work so they could go back to Enid Blyton.
Wonder how I got the scar under my left eye.
Then the world asks them to stop. When they don't listen, it punishes them and says it will hurt them some more if they do NOT stop.
Bruises. Scars. Permanent sadness. Constant failure to settle in. Majority of your friends are boys. They don't try to make you giggly.

Until they start to bring on the pain.
The worst sort.
You fight and damn near defeat the demons that nearly snuffed the life outta your spirit, only for the people you think will help fan them to full brightness to walk in and stamp out the small, delicate embers you'd began to light.
You shut out anyone with the makings of a light dimmer, you let in people who you believe get you.

And then, you hurt them. Badly.
Your entire world is falling apart and you hurt the one person you probably need around the most.
For the first time in over four years, you break down and cry. And the only person you tell this is the one who walks away. The one person whose hug you need the most will not give you their shoulder.
But you hurt them. So why would they want to make your day a bit brighter?

Because you would never walk away at the time when they most need you.
Because you tried.
Because you were in pain.
Because you opened yourself up at your most vulnerable and told them you were d.y.i.n.g.
Because you're styupeed.
Because walking should NOT be that easy.
Because you're searching for the pain that you thought would consume you and its not there.

Because you met a stranger, a woman who called you beautiful.
She said you deserved deep, committed, will-last-through-the-ugly-days sort of love.
She told you to wipe the pain from your eyes. To let the hurt go. She said you needed to forgive yourself.
She reminded you that you deserved to be happy.
Good, bad, perfectly put together, t-shirt and sweats, hair perfectly coiffured, messy tousles, you deserved to be loved and cared for and worried over.
No half measures.

And you believed her :-) Really, you did.
Then your bestie sent you the link and you thank God for the constants. For the friends that never go away.
You make each day easier, prettier, smile-ier and I am a lucky woman.
Difficult to love on some days. Easy on others.
Deserving love on all.

"For women who are "difficult" to love"- Warsan Shire( Look for the poem. Its the "For colored girls" of 2012.)

Moe.
With love.

Hold me. Embrace me. Intoxicate me...; On Support Systems.

I am a deeply stoic being. But I am also a vulnerable woman.
The trials, the life-punches-the first-bornism, the-never ending appearance of pain, hurt, disappointment and inhumanity have made me stoic. What are you going to do when the would-be-love-of-your-life is already taken?

She is lucky, the one that got him first. In the next life, not only will I beat her to him, I will get into and fill his entire system until kryptonite begs to be re-defined.

I met a man I like. Really like. Except this man was a surprise-like. Here I was, trying to forget Mr.-But-are-you-back-for-good-or-not-out of my life or into it?( It is complicated. Very. Extremely), and he appears.
Not a single romantic or lusty thought towards that man. None. Just total admiration for the brilliance that he is.
P.S- Did I mention that brilliant, brilliant and gifted men do hazardous things to my system? I am sorry, Mr. Pretty-as-a-pin. Brains. Not chiseled jaws.

There was a time in my life not so far back, when everything seemed to be falling apart. My dreams were draining the life out of me, the man who never leaves me had just made a re-appearance, the corporate world was showing its ass-holey side; brilliance, not-so-bad-looks and talent don't get you up the corporate ladder. They get you on the wrong side of the dumb, ugly, unflattering-walking and flat behind-ed bitch who has mastered the art of spotting betterness a mile away, and smothering it.
Don't smirk too long, witch. I am gifted. The gods favoured me. And the hips help.
Two years, and I will be bringing the Blair Waldorf in me to life. I'll make Waldorf seem like a very, very, bad amateur. And God, will I B.Y.A.T.C.H.. .
Oh, you didn't know? I don't forgive and forget. I remember. And plan. And stick my heel into your heart.
I can hardly wait.

The world is such that even the we who consider ourselves strong and hardened and able-to-face-anything, we the ones who will smile when every bit of ourselves is crumbling apart, the world is made in a way that even we, we fall.
Hard. Bad. We swerve off course so suddenly and at such full speed, that no one sees it coming. When people like me hit rock bottom, it is NOT rock bottom. It is the part beneath the layer underneath the section that holds the parts that support rock bottom.
It is horrific. You watch yourself fall apart daily, you watch your self intoxicate with substances you know for a fact will not make things better, you turn off your phones, go to the bar and further self-destruct. You laugh and dance with your friends and hope, pray, that one-just one friend will glimpse the death that now resides in your eyes but your friends do not. Not because they don't care, but because you, the perfect actress has learnt to layer the death in her eyes with the light she wants the world to see.
And light, they will see.
Until one of them approaches dangerous territory. And asks. "Are you okay?"
And the ego-ess that you have bred so well jumps to attention, to declare how you've never been better...but somehow the heart, that precious thing you have silenced for so long, with one last effort, shuts Miss Ego up and says," No, I am not okay. I have not been okay in months. And I am perilously close to falling off the edge. No, Sarah, I am not okay."

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a masker. My pain and hurt discovered they are happier hiding in gin bottles. Not friends' shoulders. But pain and hurt didn't count on Sarah Nsubuga. My recently-found soul mate(yes, the relationship was rushed. Feelings do those things to you.)

So, this post is to thank the women who have held me up for the last four months of my life. Women who have IM-d me, texted me, cancelled appointments to speak sense and encouragement into me, women who have gotten me intoxicated because at the time, that is ALL I wanted. And women who have and still are slowly, but surely leading me back to God.

Acan Sara and Kahunde Lauryne.
My big sisters. Who get me fed, then totally drunk. We talk men,and life, and work and God...and Faith. We dance to Mark Morrison and whomever old school musician that Steak Out decides to play at rock night.
I feel for those two bar men who always serve us. We have scandalized them to levels I dare not analyse.
But I really don't care if their prim& poor-service selves have been open to conversations strictly-meant-for-bridal-showers.
I have had two of the world's best biggest sisters with me during some of the crappiest moments of this year.
The bar men shall live.

Akiiki Tuhaise.
Thank you Akiiki, for cooking me the most delicious meals....and concocting those deliriously-mind-altering cocktails while I lazily watch your TV.
Thank you for letting me feel secure in the knowledge that I am not alone-in my ability to beef, block out people and not feel a thing about it. Banange, that helped. The thought that I was the only being capable of such hardness was not so light a burden.
Now there is me, and you and all those intoxicants.
I heart you immensely, Akiiki.
For giving this first born the chance to be baby-ied.
Bisous.

Aimle Caroline and Melanie Kaita.
Two best friends who couldn't possibly be any more different.
Two brilliant, brilliant, gifted and crazy women.
Two women who love the LORD so much and who have subtlety, sarcastically, mercilessly, relentlessly and effort-fully led me back to God.
Most things in life happen for a reason. Meeting these women was one of them. Out of what would have otherwise been a disastrous situation, came the relentless push to pursue my dreams. The real ones. Not the ones the world I thought I should pursue.
At a time when walls were crumbling and life-long securities were losing their sheltering abilities, came in these two women. Armed with the strength of battalions and the energy of the Red Bull making factory. I swear.
Giving me books to read, showing me how to pray, praying with me, re-minding me of who I really am.
Minus the heels, and lipstick and wit.
I am my father's child. And for this year, this has been the greatest reminder.
Mela. Carol.
Thank you. For not taking my insecurities and worries and fears lightly. For knowing about the horrors that plague my life but still looking at me through un-tainted eyes. For laughing, scolding and teaching. For constantly checking on me.
For being my friends.

Sarah Nsubuga Senyonyi
My Mere to me-Yang.
That is from Grey's anatomy. Sarah is happily married so I had to find a spot that hadn't been taken yet. He is the love of her life.
I am her soul mate. Shared love of all things meaty, a bit of snobbishness, deep love for well-written books and the friendly-but-serious competition to be Maya Angelou in the next life. Or meet her first in this one.
Have I mentioned that she cooks like a charm?( Lucky love of her life)
Sarah and I have one of those unexpected friendships.
But the things I tell this woman....are things I have failed to tell some of my longest-lasting friends.
Maybe it helps that she sits next to me( We work for the same company), or maybe it's because, unlike the rest of the world that sees me in heels and passes judgement, she sees me in heels, lipstick, singing to weird rock music and still looks at the woman behind it.
For a Christian woman to know my flaws, my recurring mistakes, my erroneous decisions but still support me unconditionally, rub the injuries when once again, I shoot myself in the foot and to believe in me enough- to encourage me to take the paths that will better me, reward me and give life back to my passion.
For a woman of high such high and unshakable principles, to know the dirty on me, and still be my Meredith-loving, unassuming, and tough when necessary, I can only say....Thank you, O so very much.
I love You.
And I promise not to show up at your bedroom door, semi-depressed and ask Mr. to push over, or go to the couch. ;-)

My control systems, my sanity re-storers, my red-coloured hair and Joshua Radin addicted guardians, my party sisters...Thank You.
Without you, rehab for me might be a very real possibility right now.
Love. Love. And, more Love.

"I have been alone, when I am surrounded by friends,
 how could the silence be so loud???
 But I still go on-knowing that I have got you...."
     
                                                    "Ave Maria"
                                                     Beyonce Knowles.

Self-Love; A Delicate Art.

"Love Thy Self." With flowers, if necessary.

"I love you, Maureen."

That is me sending myself off at the start at each day. Yes, I look myself in the mirror,try to look beyond the new zit that has comfortably lodged itself on the most visible part of my forehead, and tell myself or my mirror reflection that I am loved. It is sorta corny. It has a desperate ring to it. And I will be the first to tell you that it works. Not the mean-staring at the zit in the hope that it will melt away. Pimples do not respond to psychological torture.

The expression of self love. That works. We as human beings are greatly flawed. We have shortcomings, laced with quirks and to top that off, a pile of sins that would call for Christ's second crucifixion. Yes, we as a species can be very unlovable. Most humans in fact, go out of their way to make themselves especially unlovable. 

I believe for most people, it would be okay if the lack of love was limited to the rest of the world. Who cares if the girl at your office loathes you because you have all the major designer labels as permanent residents of your closet? Eish!!Find a good knock-off dealer.

It IS the real thing.

But when the lack of love for self emanates from the self itself...well...Trouble looms.Trouble that can be spelt in many different ways; low-self esteem, self-depreciating thoughts, self-hate, negative self image, and in the case of Gilbert Arinaitwe, plain old stupidity. If you're going to vandalise private property, attack defenceless political figures in full view of TV cameras, wear a hood, or cap. I mean, there's a reason all these crime series are all over our TVs. And it has nothing to do with mastering forensic science.

The majority of us lucked out when we majored in literature and divinity. Self-love is necessary, as necessary as breathing. In the long run, anyway. Self-love means you look your majorly-injured self in your impaired-eye and learn to:

Fully Accept

That you will forever be 5"2" tall or short, that your hips are actually dependant on bone structure&; no amount of dieting will lessen their width. Or girth. For one to even have a slight element of success in loving one-self, one needs to fully comprehend that most of our flaws, or assumed flaws cannot be overcome. You cannot change the fact that your father decided his love& commitment came with a shelf life. You will not change the fact that you gave years of irreplaceable time to a man that woke up& decided those years were not enough. He had to take your heart& belief in all men good. No, you will not change the fact that your only show of family wealth is your university degree. 

But you have an education, and so you can start a whole new family drama where your name will be a force to reckon. You can grieve over that man and understand that loving someone with all of you is no guarantee they won't walk all over you. You can realize that while you missed out on fatherly love, you maxed out on motherly affection& sibling rivalry. Which teaches you self control.

Acceptance doesn't mean you let yourself stay in mediocrity. It doesn't mean you remain in an unhealthy relationship-romantic or otherwise, because you feel its your " Burden to carry." 

It means, you allow that the powers that be already decided how your body will look. The people you love have their own minds (even when you know you have a better mind)& most importantly, we cannot control most of what happens to us or change what happened. We can forfeit denial. We can accept it.

At least the tape still fits.

Forgive.

My very first lesson in forgiveness involved forgiveness of another. You know, the Bible story where Jesus tells those people that they must forgive one another in multiples of seven? That one. I believe that to forgive others who have in some way, caused us pain is noble. I mean, how could they stop writing "Friends"? That took time to get over. I know that to forgive spells maturity in character and spiritual evolution. But I also know that when someone causes me any sort of harm, I prefer revenge. Served frozen. With second helpings; my anger has a healthy appetite. Forgiveness of others is difficult. You're telling the one that caused you irreparable damage that you're choosing to grant pardon. That you're willing to put away their painful act as one of life's lessons. Okay, while at it, don't lose the lesson. Forgive. NEVER forget. Not me. I am-an-eye-for-an-eye-woman. I do not owe any one any forgiveness. You hurt me, I deal how I know; frozen responses.

But to forgive others is not my problem here. My mother has made it her life mission to instil this virtue in me. There's hope. She did get me to start cooking. I am at the sausage-grilling stage. 

The greatest lesson in self-love is forgiveness of oneself. 

So, no one else will....

You need. No, you MUST learn to forgive yourself. It is easy to cast stones at others. It is easier to point fingers, since stoning might damage one's recent manicure.  But how do you cast a stone when the finger is pointing at you? How do you look yourself in the mirror and reconcile the reflection to that insensitive thing you just did? Like look that girl in the eye& tell her you are not kissing with her boyfriend. Then proceed to send said boyfriend a text. Complete with a kissey smiley.

Say," Auntie!!!"(Stock Photo)

To get past the fact that you have caused hurt. You, have broken a heart. You, are the reason someone else is crying. Not because you just keeled over& died, but because you are bringing their world down, passionately. Heartlessly. To forgive yourself for poor choices, for opportunities not taken, for decisions that took the lift and life out of your character. That is difficult. Because it is kinda norm for people to disappoint. Expected even. But when you are the disappointment, that is....sad.

Since I can't serve myself iced reactions to callous behaviour, I have learned that forgiveness of self is best. It soothes my guilty soul. It makes it easier to point fingers at others. But it is no easy task. Mostly because I have such high standards of behaviour for myself that when I fall even remotely short of them, I freeze. 

And panic.And hate myself. Then I drag me from the mud I've slung at my sinful self. And make smarter choices. You grant yourself permission to be human. You walk away from other girl's boyfriend.

Un-cautioned borrowing affects the borrower. Ditto unforgiveness. Of self.

Moving On.

Anyone that has read any of my posts knows I am kind of stuck in that time zone. I miss Schweppes. I miss, miss "Friends" I have failed to move on with "How I Met Your Mother." I love Sean Connery.

I love you, I love you, I do.

Enough said, I believe.
So it is no major wonder that I have failed to fully let go of things and people that in the first place, had no business being in my life. That I let them in is shocking enough. That I am still attached is beyond shocking. 'Tis baffling. And liable to make you feel really silly. Not in a funny way. Me?? I granted myself full permission to be silly eons ago. That was when I realized my affinity to the past. Probably why I still am stuck. Because moving on requires for a sound reality check. It means you have to look at the phone& realize he is NOT going to call. Again. Ever. And then stop yourself from wondering what you did wrong.

To move on calls for courage; to leave that familiar office job& start at a new venture, doing something you truly love. Drat less money& hence, less new shoes. Inner satisfaction is a greater treasure. I believe half the issue with moving is is the getting out of the familiarity zone. The cheating boyfriend still knows which spots to kiss best. The never-there-when-you-need-them friend still knows your darkest secrets and greatest fears.

And the said-brighter future which is promised for those that move on is...well, it is the future.
Why move on when you have the comfort of old hurts, the solace of beautiful-turned painful memories? Why move on when your heart says it doesn't think it can do it? The poor heart has resolved to love meanie boyfriend just as he is. Why not let it be?? Why move on to mountain dew??

Because Schweppes is NOT coming back.

Because if he missed me even an iota of how much I missed him, he'd have called. Because if he didn't love the other girl enough, he would not have married her. Because the new job will start to pay off majorly. The universe blesses all work done with love. Because staying in a  bad situation, actively or memory-wise is wasting precious time. Because self-love requires you pluck yourself out of the past.

The future awaits. It favours those who carry no remnants of previous bad times. Nanti it is also on a roll. No time to back track.

One past step at a time.

Self-love is a delicate art. Because mastering it today is no promise you'll remember how-to tomorrow. Because practice doesn't make perfect in this case. It makes acceptance. It brings forgiveness. It leaves the baggage behind. Self-love requires you to daily perform small acts of compassion to yourself, because each day brings more reason to dislike yourself. Self-love is looking in the mirror and loving the unique magnificence that is you; flawed, broken, chapped, bruised and sinful.

Self-love is doing this each day. Self-love is the greatest lesson you can learn.

Also, it is the one easiest to lose.

And what a biiig hit, it is.

"I love you, Maureen."

All My Women; The Other Half.

The Sisters From Other Mothers.
To label these women friends is becoming increasingly difficult. We are at that point where we have been through all the drama that entails sisterhood, survived it, taken life's shocks and blows, fallen away from one another but somehow managed to find one another once the dust is settled. Let me introduce you to the girls that are my sisters, in every sense of the word.


Yasmin- the bride.

 Yasmin.
aka Maureen. My name sake, semi-enemy turned bosom friend turned sister. We have survived high school drama, University madness and pre-real-life issues. Aside being a mother to the happiest boy on this planet, she happens to be one of the few people on this planet that totally understand me but will still call my bluff. Aside telling me to my face that running from people will only ensure I keep running forever, she is responsible for the highest number of panic calls that I have received my entire adult life. I truly think you are one of the most virtuous women that walk this earth. Mwaaah.



KaRita.

 Ritah.
The prettiest Mutooro I know. Okay, next to her mother. I can honestly say that this is one of the people that gets me best. She is also one of the few people that know quite how much I love my Lord. Friends from 1993, we have carried each others burdens, shared secrets that we'd kill to keep from the world...and then spent hours telling one another we were not the worst beings alive. And now she has found happiness. And I can honestly say no one deserves it more.

Lucie.
My ruuuuvvv...my height mate, my shoe-size-mate...and one of the women that saw me through some of the toughest two years of my life. I Love you truly. Because you know things about me that I would scarcely admit to myself but you never judge me. You are horrible at keeping in touch but amazing at hugs and wiping away tears when they do come. I wish I could be as organized as you are but I know you love me either way. Now, go be the lawyer we both always wanted to be. When I summon the courage one very near day, I shall join you, and reclaim my dream.

The BFFs And The Soul Mates.
Pieces of me. The people that were separated from me when the creator made me. Then sent to me to make my life a little brighter. There's a lot of things I do not have faith in. But I believe in soul mates. Not the romantic sort. The girl-friend sort. And here they are.
Celia.
Thank you for being by me through the suckiest years of high school and looking beyond the facade that was me. Thank you for praying with me through so many nights of despair and anger, and staying my friend when it was a great risk simply to associate with me. Thank you for loving me, even and especially when you do not understand why I do the things I do. You have seen me at my weakest, you have seen me broken and you have seen me rise to the top. You know my sins better than almost anyone but you also know my greatest weaknesses.  And some how you do not judge me.  I know for sure that no one else has seen me cry as much as you have.  You understand my pride but still know how to get through to the heartest of me. I know I tell you all the time but I do love you. For being one of the purest souls I know but still loving some one like me. Diva-ish or not, I still am one of the sinners. I am blessed to know you.

Els

Els.
My dearest cherub. I love you babe. I know quite well that one sentence is enough. You understand just how deep this goes, even without words. And that is the best part. That words are not very necessary with us. Coke is, and so is meat, and so is deep music. And even deeper books. But I have a bestie to whom I do not have to say much to in way of explanations is one of the biggest pluses in my life. Thank you for letting me into your tres cool family, thank you for letting me steal novels from you when you're half way done, thank you for knowing me enough to see when am in pain. Thank you for being mad at men who do not think am super hot. You are the reason I got my writing on track once again, you're the reason I force myself to type when the writer's block pays me a visit. Thank you for bungee jumping with me, for walking with me when our faith was gone. I do not think I'd have made it this far without you. We are two lazy bums but we shall soon have our car& walking shall be no more. Then we'll take all our money and go to an Island where we'll live on coke and beautiful lyrics forever. You can come with him. Leave the kiities at home though.
I heart you immensely. Bisou. Bisou. Bisou.

Mama.
My first best friend, the kindest woman I know, the one I love the most. Also,the one who broke my heart the hardest. The one that enrages me like no other but who understands me above all else, and believes in me, even when my wild dreams do not make any sense to you. If I was wiser, I'd wish to be as kind as you are. But I'm not very wise and I have seen that kindness can be a downfall. And I fear to fall, I am scared of pain. You have nursed me through countless migraines, you have questioned my love of reading and music, and sleeping, and I have broken your heart in so many ways, mostly as a defense mechanism but no else loves me like you do. This I know for sure.
When I'm rich, I will make up for all the hurt you have had to live with, I will buy the world so you can have some sort of real joy, and I will forgive you. Even if I have to force myself to do so.
Most importantly, I will make you proud. I have God by my side. I will conquer the world, then make you queen. I promise.


The Departed.
Stella and Faith. I miss you so much. My soul mate and my friend. My sweetie and my seat mate of four years. That you are not hear today still manages to shock me. You were meant to be here. For ever.
Stella, the plan was to be crazy wild, do what we loved the most and then find love. With you by my side. Now all I have are memories from a school that taught us some of the hardest lessons life had to offer. I miss your art, I miss your beautiful voice. I miss sharing naughty secrets with you. I pray every day, that you are at peace my sweet. I shall see you soon. Real soon. And then we'll catch up on all that's been happening.
P.S- I Miss You.

Faith.
F.... to this day, I do not understand what happened. Some times I'm still in shock that you're not here. Four years of sitting together in class and now...nada, nothing. Oh, I know you are perfectly okay. I know you are happy, but still...I came across one of the notes you wrote me, accompanied by a Plus One Song..You were always on my side. Always. Silently at times, but I knew you had my back. And that got me through the hell hole that school had turned into. I wish we'd had more time to make the friendship deeper. But I had you for 4years. And that made all the difference. Thank You. But, how can you really be gone?
God bless you luv.

I will turn to music and once again, borrow a line. From "Butterfly Kisses";
"In all that I have done wrong, I must have done something right....." Because I truly have& have had the world's greatest women for friends. If I never say this again, you are God's bestest gift to me.
I Love You.

ALL My Women; The Beginning.



Me....Loving My Women..




Being a member of the female species comes with a lot of baggage. Such as heels that mangle toes but cannot be done without. And menses. And the fact that unlike men, wrinkles do not add character. They cause worry lines, which in turn lead to more wrinkles. The female aging process is a viscous cycle.
But there are some perks to being the weaker sex. And today I shall focus on the one perk am most grateful for; The ability to bond. Not with men or stray kittens or strangers' babies. No. The ability to bond with one another.
When women are not busy tearing each other down, or secretly analyzing shoe/ bag betterness, we are doing what we do best-saving one another. Being sisters, shopping partners, taking 3 am panic calls...
The world of women is such that we NEED each other. To binge on ice cream when the men we love walk out on us...or drown in wine when mother fate hands you a day that more than adequately describes disastrous.
And for all the blows life has handed me, for all the mistakes I have met and made, God has gone and blessed me with the most amazing of complex but lovable females.
And today, I am singing my women very high praises

 The Sisterhood
I am the eldest child, and thereby an elder sister to two extremely nerve-wrecking, attire-stealing, jewelery-borrowing sisters. Martha& Linda are responsible for a major part of the madness that now resides in me. But they are also a major part of the joy and blessings that I have been bestowed with. Through nights of endless laughter spent reminiscing on our chaotic childhood, through tears, pain, anger and despair, and through prayers&hours-long phone conversations, it is clear to see why these women shall forever be little pieces of me that I continue to scream at, push into line but still love more than any other. It is not just blood that unites us. It is years of shared pain, trauma,joys, blessings that appeared at the very right time, dreams lost and recaptured...and childhood albums that show how far along we've come.
I Love My Sisters.
And even in the midst of questioning God's sense in the parent choices He made for us, I pause to give thanks. For my beautiful, strong, and sanity-testing sisters.


The taller one? Yup. My younger sister. Martha.

 P.S- This isn't a  gate way to ask for jewelry, money, or, more jewelry.

The Gin And Cocktail Friend.
Tabitha.
This team does not have a whole load of members. Mostly one really, who left the country a few weeks back. But who has been with me through so many unsober nights. Tabitha's classic response to, "...I am not so good..." is usually, "Morie, you need a drink...."followed by a plan that most usually gets me to bar where we toss gin& tonic into my sorrowful self.
Tabitha was my University room mate. For one year, we watched "Friends," binged on" TV Chicken," and gave ample support to the gin industry. Two women society labeled crazy but who preferred the comfort of their room to any other place on the planet. When we were not blasting rock music from our top-floor room, we were reading Shakespeare's sonnets, plotting how we'd penetrate the diplomatic world and most of all, being friends. Sharing survival tales, reading Cosmo, and each making sure the other's world was firm and safe.
I love my room mate that turned out to be a great friend. When I am rich and famous, I promise we shall live out all our crazy dreams.
See you in Dubai.

The Bankers.
My first job was at a bank. I hated it. Not one drop of like for that job. Drained me, tested me and nearly took the life out of my dreams. Needless to say, I jumped ship. Yes, I met and made one of my greatest mistakes in that place. But not before I had met three women that to will forever remain the most beautiful treasures I took from there.
Peace;
My strength, my big sister, and one of my biggest models. To say I admire this woman would be an understatement. To say I learned and continue to learn a lot from her is partly true. I do not now anyone else that gentle or calm. Where I am screaming and blazing a trail of anger, she is calm, calm and calmer. Where I'll gladly tell you where to shove your bad attitude, she will smile and try again. And where I will walk out even on those I know I will not forget immediately, she will stay. And love on.
I wish I could be more like you, I wish I had the strength to not give up on love, I wish I saw the good in everyone like you do, and I wish I had a knack for numbers like you do. I am sorry I partly introduced you to alcohol, and I am sorry that sometimes, the bad clearly trounces the good. But I am glad we have one another.

Vanessa;
Straaaange...and stylish and Life House-loving. And wise. Yes, wise...not the book sort of stuff. Not the quote and lyrics sort of wisdom. But the learned, sometimes-the-hard-way, type. This woman is a lot like me. Stoic, sometimes annoyingly so. But I know that I like to be left alone some times so I leave her alone when I think life is making its rounds with her. Then I send a late-night text message...digging, but just on the surface. Then we riddle our way around the issue, go a bit into the heart of it...then seal off with stoic-but-real-feely promises to always be here for each other. And we always are. She is, at least.
Thank you for pushing me to the light...albeit it was closer to a shove. Thank you for not judging me at a time I was on the verge of hating myself...for understanding that I got weak, but making sure I didn't wallow too long.
Woman, you were partly the reason I was able to face the last major-ish storm in my life. Thank You.
NO HUG, PLEASE.

Isabel; 
My dearest...I will tell you today that I think you are exceptionally strong and beautiful. And because you have not sent me an-intended-to-annoy-me email in a long time, I will be totally nice to you. I do not even know how you manage to get through some of life's not-so-wanted-but can't be-escaped-issues. That you do so standing tall& proud only makes me prouder to have you as a friend. Thank you for letting me give you a bit of advise, considering am still making my way around life. For silly but deep Face Book status updates, for wine and coke cocktails, and for trusting me enough to be vulnerable with me.
Happiness is on its way. I hear it has been asking for directions to you.
That we have managed to stay friends even when we do not have a common work mail system any more, and do not see one another as much is proof that some thing good always comes out of a bad situation. The bank drained a lot of the life out of me, but God went and sent these blessings my way.
For all the times I've never said it, I truly appreciate you.


The Listeners And The Long-Distance Loves.
Flower;
It is quite possible to have a successful long-distance relationship. With years of no communication, followed by a re-union across a social network that rekindles the relationship. The couple in question however has to have the strongest foundation of love possible. Louise and me are a powerful example that such relationships do work. Friends from 1993, school mates from 1993 to 2003, numerous semi-fights between us, but the bond holds as strong as ever. It could be because I have my eye on her elder brother that doesn't seem to notice I'm all grown up now...or it could be because love can be this true. And survive time differences, and years of almost no communication. It could be because first best friends are not that easily forgotten. I know that same town or not, ours is a friendship that will stand all the major tests.



With love from Peron; Kendrah.

 Peron and Immy;
These are two of the noisiest, loudest and craziest women I have the fortune of knowing. I'm constantly wondering what they'd be like if they so much as sipped alcohol. They are mostly teetotalers but God,are they hyper! And the most social and friendly people I know. Peron listens to me rant..and rant...and laughs with me...and knows me well enough not to probe if I don't offer to tell. And she gave me my first and totally adorable God-daughter.
Immy...my love, my friend, who would tell stories all night if we didn't doze off on her and who manages to never keep time...but somehow keeps in touch even when oceans separate us.


Me, Ritah,Immy

 I am thankful that I got out of my shell long enough to get to know you.

More praises to be sang later on....

The Facts Of Life; Part One.

I have been around for a few years. On this planet, I mean. And as a I get older but not necessarily wiser, I have come to a few conclusions. Life is not a written script, we have more power than we can ever imagine. Over our dreams, the decisions we make, the dreams we follow, or let go of, the friends we keep close or lose through sheer laziness, the food we eat, aka Domino's beef burgers& coke for lunch VS a healthy salad..yuck,yuck..

Yes, some things we can maneuver. But then other things, which are some of the most defining, well...we find ourselves at the center of a drama, with no recollection of even agreeing to star in the damn thing, in the first place.

Its been a long& intense 20something years. Scenes change, the faces keep changing, but some things well..stay the same. Wrapped different for differing scenarios, but yes, the same;

Love Can Break Your Heart.

And it doesn't have to be that boy that made your heart skip or the girl that somehow got through your tough manly layers. Love is...wider than the romantic, and so is heartbreak. It is your first best friend dying of cancer before you're done with primary school. It is your father, the man who also happens to have been your first love, falling off so high a pedestal and taking your young heart with him.

It is also watching a woman you love, adore and respect so much, suffer for a love that is clearly domed to fail. It is watching your young face succumb to shadows, and feel the iron wring its way around your heart. When you're a child, Love can break you in ways psychologists have failed to clearly define..

And when you're growing up, it it is the ignorance that your first love shall last forever that I believe re-opens old wounds...and loving and believing in that man that continuously breaks your heart. You cry, close up your heart for a while, until the next son of God walks your way..and your heart skips a beat...

In brief, the heart is treacherous, it doesn't know what it wants. It does not obey you.Suffocate it.Be the boss of it. None of that pain is worth it. None.

Men are Easy. 

Yes, they are.Read on;

• They like to eat.
• The majority like beer.
• They don't like shopping or Spanish soaps.
• Very few can keep up with a paragraph. Give them pictures. Or stick men.
• Short skirts and heels get them. ALL THE TIME.
• Ditto fitting jeans. On a nicely curved booty.
• I hear lingerie brings stars to their eyes.
• When a man wants a girl in any sort of way, stand aside please. Earth and heaven shall be moved.
• And yes, they hurt. It will never show. But if you look carefully, many of them have shadowed and dead eyes. Their light is out.
• Their fears rally around money, being able providers, and being able to afford sleek cars. 

See, we complicate these species. Mostly 'coz we refuse to use our minds. But hey, when you're done burying your head in the sand, you won't believe how short the distance to the surface is.

God has a sense of humor.
How else dare someone call this messed up human species His highest creation? We blow people up in His name,and He still lets us live. We are petty enough to judge people based on tribal affiliation and religion, we have somehow managed to reduce the planet to a near-breaking point, and we invent games like cricket. Seriously.
But He doesn't wipe us out. He sends us the sun, and the rain, and children because we are so filled with our vanity that we have lost touch with what matters. And then we subject those children to Stone Cold Steve Austin& have the guts to turn to Him when they make cocaine their best friend.
He made roaches, house flies and cats. He is very funny. These creatures only affirm the fact that God isn't above amusement.I think they keep Him sane on the days when we decide to take 13year old girls& make them sex slaves.
If I were God, I'd have blown the whole lot of you to shreds by now. And then blown you up again.
Just to make sure.
Then I'd go back to my slimy& winged creatures.And smile. At least they get the concept of peaceful co-existence. But then I am not God.
Lucky fools.

Fate Is A Woman.
Women are complicated. Our mind wiring is interconnected, intertwining, and yet so loosely connected. We spend hours scouting stores for the perfect brooch to a dress, and we have no qualms about dragging the men who claim to love us along. Constant re-assurance. We really like that.
A woman'll whip up an amazing meal, love you even& especially when you don't deserve it. And just when you're about to crown her a saint, she'll bust the windows out of your car. And blame it on hormones.
We're deep like that.
But we're also the strongest creation ever made. We'll smell another perfume but still serve your dinner, and make breakfast for your kids, and put up with your whinny mother& sisters. A woman will spend the night sobbing but layer up  her eyes in mascara and smile at the world. We do battle best but love the hardest.
We will hug you, but find a way to stick that knife in really deep...especially if you're another woman and the man on your hand really appeals to us. These things are never personal. I swear.
Now,the connection with fate; The perfect man is taken...to the point where no home-wrecking tip will help you.., the person that loves you rightest cannot stir up even an inch of a heart-race, but the one who walks all over you mindlessly makes your heart soar. The heart is stupid. Fate is never clear- you make your bed& someone else lays in it, you get wealthy but fail to find love, you're the nice guys all the girls love...but not that way.
We are a cruel species.We make men and break kings and give birth to Hitler-like villains but also to the saints and Messiahs.
What you see is what you get. But most of the time, it isn't.
I love being a woman. Complexity comes naturally. Men need the Grand Prix for that.

Part Two....In the making.




























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