ABOUT ME.



Walk, walking...on life's rope.



The thing is, I spent the greater part of my life trying to figure me out. And the only word that can describe what I came up with is; INCONSISTENCY. And that nagged at me..until I realized it is the best answer. Consistency means you're..stagnant. You're not moving anywhere. Consistency means you're playing it safe-aka scared. And for some people, that is okay. For me, it is not. Inconsistency means you're trying..you're learning..you're crying and laughing, you're making mistakes, but you're learning your lessons.It means you're giving people chances, and maybe they're letting you down, but you're learning, about holding on..and knowing when to let go.

Stagnant is okay...but I have no desire to be stuck and safe...but dead..or slowly dying ..or withering away on the inside. Life gets tough. So what?Tell me something I don't know. But not even the one who made us ever promised endless sun. It rains, but eventually the sun will come out.Some times eventually seems like forever, I know. But it will brighten up...yes, it will.

So, live..out loud..love to your toe tips(I place a disclaimer on this, though. For obvious reasons.)..take some risks, get out of your cocoon...eat sea food..but stay away from the froggies-nothing looking that way can be even remotely tasty...show the world your gifts..dare to be..ALIVE. Oh,stop whining!!the pain shan't kill you. Get away from consistency, and normal, and safe, and traditional, and people-pleasing.
Life is always going to be risky, and some times hurtful, and on the really messy days,Life will be plain& outright gut-wrenching...and painful to the point of numbness. BUT, if it hasn't killed you, it hasn't won.

 I am all for taking chances, because that means you have moved..off your knees, onto your feet..head bowed, but off the ground.
Maybe you haven't completely cut off the chains, but you have rattled them. And that is it; little rattles wear down the chains eventually.

ABOUT ME; In a word, INCONSISTENT. And proudly so.

" You only have one life. But if you work it right, once is enough."

The Facts Of Life ;Part Two.

Life Goes On.
I have lived through extremely dark nights, and very shadowy days. I have had pain live in me to the point that it became a normal acquaintance which I didn't try to chase away.
It was easier that way.
I have carried the pain of those that matter the most to me, cried with them, prayed with them and for them. And have had several of these pleas go unanswered. But still had to get up, dress up& show up.
The world will not stop because your soul mate just died or because the love of your life just became the pain of your life. It will keep keeping on.And you will cry, scream, curse at God..or if you're anything like me, you will let yourself be human and tell a friend that you're falling apart.
But the light will find a way in...Life will go on.
Whether you stay in the past re-living its horrors, or move the heck on, it shall go on.
I will move the heck on. I don't like being behind the program. And this is a temporary one.
Life, that is.

Someone else is In Charge Here.
I went through a long period of mindless torture that I lost my faith for a long time. It helped that my BFF was in the same boat.We figured we wouldn't be puppets to a cynical creator any longer.
So we set sail, alone. With the most amazing of friends by us, but without faith in a higher power. And we made it. It was tough but we endured.
And then I think about it now and I realize He never left. We walked, but He'd given us each other. He made sure we were safe. He couldn't force His stay so He found a way to remind us that it is never that bad.
Life can be crappy. Scratch that.
Life gets shitty. On this side of the galaxy, anyway.
Nothing is certain.We're on borrowed time. We're leaving this place at different times...there are tougher times ahead.
I admit it scares me to bits to not be totally in charge of the future. I have buried two friends...
Stella and Faith..Have a peaceful rest...and be happy. You messed up a lot of people, though. Yes, I am one of them.
That took the life out of me in ways only my bedroom floor can comprehend. It absorbed all the tears from my collapsed body...my pillow still suffers wet& drenched nights...Life can take the life out of you.
And to trust a power which doesn't consult you before wrecking havoc in your life is almost impossible. But it keeps hope alive. And on the cruel days, Hope can mean the difference between giving up and the next step.
And the next step always means a new start.
Someone mightier is in charge here. That's all I need to know.

Incredibly Cool-U2.

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own.
First& foremost, I would like to thank the incredibly amazing and popular rock band,U2, for coming up with the phrase that's the title to this paragraph. One line is all I can use to credit them though. I prefer my attention undivided.
To the point. This life that we have been blessed with can on countless occasions get taxing. In a really irritating way, if the mode of stress that day happens to be the tasteless pick up line of say, a market vendor.Mbu, "size yange..."
Or the endless on-hold customer care call to these telecom companies.."Please Hold... followed by...boring tone..."
On the bad, bad days, events will fall apart like a Chinese made Iphone. And as much as you will it to, the ground shall not open up to swallow you. And to top it off, sleep shall evade you. But these moments have solutions;

Just pluck out that green...thingy..

• Prayer; Words, hymns, mysteries.Or novenas. All accord some sort of peace.
• Food; Has to be really oily, creamy,sugary or meaty to achieve the desired effect. Dodo will only depress you more. So shall matooke. 
• Music; I prefer the rock genre, but Bieber 
• seems to work for some people. So does P-Square. Miley Cyrus has moved people from depression to insanity. Her voice should be labeled as potentially life threatening. Especially when she speaks. That is lethal. And that is not a compliment.

ALCOHOL; I would like to state with ALL certainty that alcohol is the best antidote to depressing days. It makes you silly-happy, then some how gets it into your head that you can pull off all the dance strokes from the latest, funkiest video.That you look more spirit-possessed than groovy shall not matter to you. Alcohol boosts self esteem.

• Then it causes you to fall into a deep slumber, leading to a morning with no recollection of the previous night's activities. Alcohol helps you forget.
• But if your mind manages to drag up any last-night memories, worry not. Alcohol shall present you with a hangover so bad...&all associated symptoms such as blinding headaches,you will not have the energy to nurse remorse. 
• Alcohol has amazing powers. It is one of my super powers.
• To Gin and Tonic. I owe you several.

I came into this world to live out L.O.U.D.

The Facts Of Life; Part One.

I have been around for a few years. On this planet, I mean. And as a I get older but not necessarily wiser, I have come to a few conclusions. Life is not a written script, we have more power than we can ever imagine. Over our dreams, the decisions we make, the dreams we follow, or let go of, the friends we keep close or lose through sheer laziness, the food we eat, aka Domino's beef burgers& coke for lunch VS a healthy salad..yuck,yuck..

Yes, some things we can maneuver. But then other things, which are some of the most defining, well...we find ourselves at the center of a drama, with no recollection of even agreeing to star in the damn thing, in the first place.

Its been a long& intense 20something years. Scenes change, the faces keep changing, but some things well..stay the same. Wrapped different for differing scenarios, but yes, the same;

Love Can Break Your Heart.

And it doesn't have to be that boy that made your heart skip or the girl that somehow got through your tough manly layers. Love is...wider than the romantic, and so is heartbreak. It is your first best friend dying of cancer before you're done with primary school. It is your father, the man who also happens to have been your first love, falling off so high a pedestal and taking your young heart with him.

It is also watching a woman you love, adore and respect so much, suffer for a love that is clearly domed to fail. It is watching your young face succumb to shadows, and feel the iron wring its way around your heart. When you're a child, Love can break you in ways psychologists have failed to clearly define..

And when you're growing up, it it is the ignorance that your first love shall last forever that I believe re-opens old wounds...and loving and believing in that man that continuously breaks your heart. You cry, close up your heart for a while, until the next son of God walks your way..and your heart skips a beat...

In brief, the heart is treacherous, it doesn't know what it wants. It does not obey you.Suffocate it.Be the boss of it. None of that pain is worth it. None.

Men are Easy. 

Yes, they are.Read on;

• They like to eat.
• The majority like beer.
• They don't like shopping or Spanish soaps.
• Very few can keep up with a paragraph. Give them pictures. Or stick men.
• Short skirts and heels get them. ALL THE TIME.
• Ditto fitting jeans. On a nicely curved booty.
• I hear lingerie brings stars to their eyes.
• When a man wants a girl in any sort of way, stand aside please. Earth and heaven shall be moved.
• And yes, they hurt. It will never show. But if you look carefully, many of them have shadowed and dead eyes. Their light is out.
• Their fears rally around money, being able providers, and being able to afford sleek cars. 

See, we complicate these species. Mostly 'coz we refuse to use our minds. But hey, when you're done burying your head in the sand, you won't believe how short the distance to the surface is.

God has a sense of humor.
How else dare someone call this messed up human species His highest creation? We blow people up in His name,and He still lets us live. We are petty enough to judge people based on tribal affiliation and religion, we have somehow managed to reduce the planet to a near-breaking point, and we invent games like cricket. Seriously.
But He doesn't wipe us out. He sends us the sun, and the rain, and children because we are so filled with our vanity that we have lost touch with what matters. And then we subject those children to Stone Cold Steve Austin& have the guts to turn to Him when they make cocaine their best friend.
He made roaches, house flies and cats. He is very funny. These creatures only affirm the fact that God isn't above amusement.I think they keep Him sane on the days when we decide to take 13year old girls& make them sex slaves.
If I were God, I'd have blown the whole lot of you to shreds by now. And then blown you up again.
Just to make sure.
Then I'd go back to my slimy& winged creatures.And smile. At least they get the concept of peaceful co-existence. But then I am not God.
Lucky fools.

Fate Is A Woman.
Women are complicated. Our mind wiring is interconnected, intertwining, and yet so loosely connected. We spend hours scouting stores for the perfect brooch to a dress, and we have no qualms about dragging the men who claim to love us along. Constant re-assurance. We really like that.
A woman'll whip up an amazing meal, love you even& especially when you don't deserve it. And just when you're about to crown her a saint, she'll bust the windows out of your car. And blame it on hormones.
We're deep like that.
But we're also the strongest creation ever made. We'll smell another perfume but still serve your dinner, and make breakfast for your kids, and put up with your whinny mother& sisters. A woman will spend the night sobbing but layer up  her eyes in mascara and smile at the world. We do battle best but love the hardest.
We will hug you, but find a way to stick that knife in really deep...especially if you're another woman and the man on your hand really appeals to us. These things are never personal. I swear.
Now,the connection with fate; The perfect man is taken...to the point where no home-wrecking tip will help you.., the person that loves you rightest cannot stir up even an inch of a heart-race, but the one who walks all over you mindlessly makes your heart soar. The heart is stupid. Fate is never clear- you make your bed& someone else lays in it, you get wealthy but fail to find love, you're the nice guys all the girls love...but not that way.
We are a cruel species.We make men and break kings and give birth to Hitler-like villains but also to the saints and Messiahs.
What you see is what you get. But most of the time, it isn't.
I love being a woman. Complexity comes naturally. Men need the Grand Prix for that.

Part Two....In the making.




























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